Archive for the ‘Self’ Tag

Self Loathing (National Poetry Writing Month 2018 #25)   Leave a comment

I’m in love with self loathing,
My ill fitting clothing,
The face in the mirror
I find unattractive.
The cowardly wallflower
Not under his own power.
Not taking the first step,
Merely being reactive.
Best at procrastinating,
Lazy and frustrating,
Doing only what is needed,
Otherwise I’m inactive.
I don’t like that man.
But try as I can
I don’t get why I
Find him so attractive.

– Shaman Romney 2018

Posted 04/25/2018 by Shaman in National Poetry Writing Month 2018

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Myself (National Poetry Writing Month 2018 #3)   Leave a comment

I find it useful to think of myself
As three distinct individuals.
A past, a present, and a future me.
Each with a role in guiding my life.

My past: a lesson I get to observe.
A collection of all my mistakes,
And of all of my victories achieved.
My tome of knowledge to draw upon.

My present: an explorer finding more.
Combing this plane for experience
Gathering up data for me to use
And refining my view of the world.

My future: an ideal to strive towards.
The kind of person I want to be.
Always changing as I learn more and more.
An unreachable destination.

All three are me, and they act in concert:
My future provides me with the map,
My past gives me the skill to start the path,
My present, the drive to move forward.

– Shaman Romney 2018

If the Man in the Mirror – by Anonymous   Leave a comment

I just heard this poem on the Art of Charm podcast. According to the original website, this was found written on the wall of a death row inmate’s prison cell. It is really good, so I wanted to make sure to share it.

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you king for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t a man’s father, mother or wife,
Whose judgement upon him must pass,
The fellow whose verdict counts most in life,
Is the man staring back from the glass.

He’s the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear to the end,
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test,
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But the final reward will be heartache and tears,
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

Anonymous

Hope you enjoyed,

Shaman

Posted 08/22/2017 by Shaman in Personal Thoughts, Poetry

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Why Try?   Leave a comment

Why try
When you can’t win?
Why try?
Why not give in?
Why try
When you’ll only fall?
Why try
When nothing you do matters at all?

I’m tired of doing the best I can
Just to end up as trash in someone’s plan.
Now I sit here and ask myself why
When things go so wrong, why even try?

Why care
When no one else does?
Why care
When you have no cause?
Why care?
Why even try?
Why care
When in the end we’ll all just die?

I’m tired of being the better man,
Always trying to lend a hand
Now I sit here and ask myself why
When things go so wrong, why even try?

Why fight
Against the tide?
Why fight?
To save your foolish pride?
Why fight
Against no enemy?
Why fight
When it’s only going to bring defeat?

I’m tired of trying to stand up tall
Only to be broken by the bigger fall.
Now I sit here and ask myself why
When things go so wrong, why even try?

-Shaman Romney 2016

Posted 02/10/2016 by Shaman in Poetry

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28 Days of Soylent – Week 1   Leave a comment

I lost 10 lbs. In 7 days.

That is both awesome and frightening to write.

It’s not because Soylent is some sort of miracle diet food. It’s because I hate the stuff so much I don’t eat it.

I have been taking in about 1000 calories of Soylent a day. My maintenance caloric intake is 3000, plus whatever exercise I do. Which gives me a calorie deficit of 2000 a day, or roughly about a pound every 2 days. The extra 4 pounds is probably water weight and a lack of crap in my system.

Surprisingly, I feel great! Much better than I normally do, in fact. That says a lot about the diet I normally eat. Apparently getting 50% of the daily recommend nutrients you need is more effective for your health than eating a ton of crap. Who knew?

Physically things are going well, but mentally it stinks.

Everything smells good; we went past the tire section in the Walmart and the smell of rubber made me hungry. Rubber. As in, chomping on a truck tire was something my brain thought would be more pleasant than drinking more Soylent.

I’m learning I have much more discipline than I once thought. For example, on my first day my friend wanted to go to Carl’s Jr. Here is what she ordered:

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Which do you want, the left or right?

She had the Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger and a large fry. I had Soylent. I must have looked like a dog staring at people food, but I didn’t cheat or crack. Even though I really, really wanted to.

The next night was pizza night for my family. Again, only Soylent for me. They got to have delicious home baked pizza, with its delicious bubbly cheese and nice crispy crust; the taste of pepperoni intermingling with glorious red sauce in a orgasmic interplay of amazing flavor that OH MY GOD I WANT TO EAT PIZZA SO MUCH RIGHT NO-

Ahem, needless to say its been a struggle. But I haven’t broken yet and I don’t plan on it.

This also taught me a lot about why I want to eat. I find myself walking into the kitchen for no reason at all, but normally I’d find myself grabbing a snack. I’m having trouble finding reasons to hang out with people now, because food was my excuse to get together. I’ll have to try and get some actual hobbies now. Or become a reclusive hermit.

I’m also a comfort eater. I fill the crippling existential void in my soul with French fries and ice cream. Now I have to stare straight into the abyss. But at least it forces me to deal with it directly, which means it actually gets fixed. Or slowly wearing me down and destroying me. But optimism!

Overall, even though I’m a bit miserable and close to stealing happy meals from kids, I’m glad I’m doing this. The scientist in me finds this fascinating, and I am learning a lot about how I tick.

I’m hoping that enthusiasm will carry me through next week. Wish me luck!

– Shaman

Posted 01/22/2016 by Shaman in Soylent

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A Post About My Life   Leave a comment

So, I was going to write a blog post yesterday. It was going to be a good length, deep look at how I feel about religion. I’m trying to not to make this blog a religion/ atheism blog, but it is what is on my mind, so it will probably be posted at some point.

I had the whole day off yesterday, and sat down to write it in the morning. Since you are not reading a post about religion right now, what do you think I did instead?

I ended up modding my Nerf guns, and even giving one a cool (albeit poorly) done paint job.

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I know its a children’s toy, but come on, that looks bad-ass.

I think it looks like something out of Mass Effect, and it shoots farther and harder now.

It took me all day, in between watching episodes of Archer.

So why couldn’t I feel the urge to write? Aren’t I supposed to like writing? Like blogging?

Shouldn’t I be trying to make my deadlines?

The answer is yes, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. This blog was started as a way to help me be a happier, healthier person. As a way to put my thoughts out in the world.

It was not designed to be a way for me to hate myself for missing deadlines.

So, with that in mind, my post I was going to do yesterday will come out Saturday, and the rest of this post will just update you all on my life.

So here we go:

Firstly, the biggest news is that I am currently trying to get into shape. I’m not doing any fancy diet or exercise plan, I am just cutting down on the enormous amount of calories that I have been eating to stay the weight I am. When I started I was 325 pounds at 6’2″ height.

In just the two and a half weeks I have been at this, I have lost 9 pounds!

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I’m feeling pretty good about it, and although the first week was a bit of a challenge, and it will only get harder, I’m at least going to get back down to my high school weight of 275. My true goal is to be 225, so wish me luck!

Secondly, I actually posted some of my music on here. I know the qualty isn’t great, and my singing is average at best, but it is nice to finally get it posted. I will be posting more of my music in the future, so keep an eye out for that. I will also go back and touch up what I have done in the future as I get better equipment, musicians, etc.

I’ve also have been looking for a new job. Writing cover letters, resumes, and searching has been part of why my posts have been more erratic. I’m hoping to find something that not only pays better, but that I also feel happier doing. Apparently there are people in the world who feel that way about their work, and I’d like to be one of them. In this economy I’m not too hopeful though.

Also in between everything else I have been working on my story. I’m kind of stuck on the actual, y’know, writing part of it. But I have a much more developed sense of my characters, and a basic way for things to go. Hopefully I’ll be set to at least write it for NaNoWriMo in november.

Finally, I was nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award by Olvia In La La Land. I’m very honored, and it may be a bit, but I will get to the ‘official’ acceptance part of it in the near future. But I wanted to take the time to thank everyone for reading, and I hope you continue to do so in the future.

-Shaman

Posted 07/31/2014 by Shaman in Personal Thoughts

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Change The World   Leave a comment

Prompt, prompt, prompt I summon thee!

Today, write about any topic you feel like — but you must reuse your opening line (at least) two more times in the course of your post.

I want to change the world.

I have not clue how. I don’t even know where to begin. Large, small, for better or worse; I have no clue.

But still that rings through my head: I want to change the world.

I didn’t really realize it until my last blog post. I went with taking the chip, for what I thought were very good reasons. Add to human knowledge, revolutionize psychology as we know it. Help people. Sure, it wouldn’t be a very fun life for me. Being isolated from my friends. My family. My daughter. Not completely gone from their lives, but it wouldn’t be the same. It would be lonely. But at some level, it would be worth it if I could leave my mark.

A lot of people didn’t think so. They may have had respect for my reasons, saw them as nice; as noble. The typical response was that the sacrifice would be too hard, the downsides too great. Some people even thought it was wrong that the losses I would want to do it.

I can’t say they are wrong. Is the willingness to toss my self aside for the “greater good” really good? Do I even know what good is? Am I even able to perform the good that I keep proposing to do?

I want to change the world. But I don’t know if I can?

But then I start to take a different angle. Have I been looking at things wrong?  I am so focused on changing the world at large. At leaving a grand mark. There is no way I have done that, right?

Wrong. I already have changed the world. Just by living my life. Just by being human.

If I didn’t exist, millions of things would be different. My daughter would be gone, some of my friends would be much worse off, and some may be better. But the world would be an entirely changed for my absence.

Even by writing this now, I am changing things. I can’t know right now how things will change. If it will be big or small. Good or bad. But it will be a different outcome than if I did nothing.

I want to change the world. I guess I’ll get started.

-Shaman