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Archive for the ‘Personal Thoughts’ Category

Its been six weeks   Leave a comment

I haven’t seen my daughter in over 6 weeks. It’s not for any malicious reason on my ex’s part. Not that I know of, at least. It’s just bad timing and busy lives.

I always told myself I would always make time for my daughter. I would threaten to quit jobs before I would miss my weekends with her. I still feel that way. At least I feel I do. But feelings and thoughts don’t count for much. In the end, I still don’t see my daughter. If I had to say it to her face, would I still make the same excuses? Would she care?

Or does it just matter that daddy isn’t there again?

I don’t even know why I’m writing this right now. I’m not depressed, just sad. I guess its because this is something more concrete than a journal I throw in a box and never look at again. By writing this, maybe I’ll try harder from now on. But who knows?

– Shaman

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Posted 07/27/2017 by Shaman in Personal Thoughts

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When Friendship Ends   Leave a comment

I just did a Facebook purge. I went through my list, and really thought hard about who I actually cared about, and who cared about me. It brought back memories. Of times where these people made me smile. Times where they comforted me. Times where we laughed, times where we talked; meals, movies, and parties.

But I don’t do that anymore. Not with them. I didn’t think it’d make me sad. Many of them were strangers to me now. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t even notice me if I passed them on the street. Some of them I didn’t talk to any more for a reason. A bad break up, or a mutual connection severed our connection. Some were withered connections; people that I always meant to check up on. But I couldn’t find the time to do that between video games and stuffing my face.

My birthday was last month. I only had 3 friends show up. They are really close friends who I love very dearly, and I truly enjoyed the company. But it made me realize how isolated I am. My friend was putting the dinner together, and she tried to contact people. But there wasn’t anyone to reach out to. The few she tried either didn’t care, or were those withered connections, angry at how I never talked to them.

Friendships are plants. Some are cacti, only needing  little bit of water to grow. Others are crops, needing tons of work to foster a bountiful harvest. All are beautiful. All need nourishment. Other wise, they dry up, and turn to dust. If you neglect the garden too long, you are left with a pile of dirt and nothing to show for it.

I understand life is a journey, and people will drop in and out of that journey. Just like love, you either grow apart or one of you dies. I shouldn’t be surprised. When I think rationally, I know they weren’t friends anymore. They were bittersweet memories I would view as I scroll through Facebook. They were just ghosts of my garden. Now that they are clear, maybe I can get to adding new plants.

But not today. I don’t feel particularly optimistic. So I’ll sit in the dark, and mourn over the husks.

– Shaman

P.S: I know things have been sparse lately, I’ve been going back to school and it eats up my time. But I have been writing a lot in my classes, and hope to share it when I have the time.

Posted 07/06/2017 by Shaman in Personal Thoughts

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Politalking: In Defense of Not Voting For President   Leave a comment

It is Election Day Eve in America. I’m sure everyone is currently filling up their bunkers and buying their guns. To say this election has been divisive would be an understatement. I’ve avoided talking about it for most of the time, but with it being so close to over I felt I should get this off my chest while this is still relevant.

I’m not trying to convince you to vote for any particular candidate. They all stink, and it’s just a matter of how strong the BO is. Not only do I think there is no good choice, but I believe voting should be as private if you choose it to be. What you do when you sign your ballot or go to the polls is your business, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is an ass who is trying to manipulate you. They don’t give two shits about you voting unless it is for their candidate. I will be keeping my vote private, except in discussions with close friends. I think more people should do the same.

That being said, do you even need to vote?

The answer is yes, but only because of all of the local issues. Those are the races that have a direct effect on your life, and the ones you have a chance to influence. Too many people get up on the  Trump Train, the Clinton Hill, the Johnson Bong, and the Stein Totally-GMO-Free-Rice-Cracker, and forget to even look into who their local reps and judges are. The vote for president is the least important part of your vote. Even in swing states (of which Utah is one this year) it doesn’t matter much.

As an example, I know many people don’t bother to learn about the judges in their district. I wish more people would. As a single father, I dread ever having to go to court in Utah, as I would have to face some of the most close minded and negative judges we have in the country. They pass down some of the most unjust and overbearing ruling to fathers who only want to see their kids. I’m not going into specifics as it’s not my case to talk about, but there are some horrific stories.

Many of these judges should have been voted out long ago, but they still serve. You know why? Because people don’t learn about them, and then check yes on reaffirming because they don’t give a damn. Imagine how much change you could make in people’s lives by voting informed. The president may hurt our standing with other countries, but these judges can and have destroyed many families and many lives.

You can prevent it. You could sway the results. Many of these elections ar only one by a handful of votes. Your voice and opinon can actually reach these politions, and you can have real change. I think that is a thousand times more important that deciding if you like spray tans or pantsuits.

So, if you find yourself feeling like you just want to stay home because you think the candidates suck; If you are a burnt-out Bernie Bro or a Guac-Bowl carrying Jeb supporter, please still vote. Nothing requires you to vote for a presidential candidate. You can leave it blank or write in your mom. But don’t ignore everything else.

I hope everyone has a good and swift election tomorrow, and I will see you in Canada as we all jump the border.

Thanks for reading,

Shaman

Posted 11/07/2016 by Shaman in Personal Thoughts, Politalking

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So, I Quit Facebook…   Leave a comment

A couple of weeks ago, I got fed up with Facebook. I never really engaged in the social aspect of social networking. I mostly just used it to stalk old friends and crushes, watch people yell at each other, read funny memes from George Takei, and overall waste time not doing the things I should be doing. In addition to it being a colossal time waster, I found it was making me more and more depressed. I’d get to see high school friends getting nice jobs, buying homes, having kids, getting married, living life to the fullest, having all sorts of awesome adventures, etc. Doing everything I wish I could do if I wasn’t too busy dicking around on Facebook.

So, in a bout of lucid self loathing, I said, “To hell with this! A pox on thee, Facebook, and thy creator, Zuckerberg too!” Well, I said that in some universe, at least in my head. But, I did go and deactivate my Facebook, deciding that I needed a break from it. That was about two weeks ago.

I don’t really miss it all that much. I tend to keep in touch with the people I actually care about, as they are the ones who bother to text me and actively attempt to see me. They actually try to be real friends, perish the thought. I don’t really miss out on current events, political debates, or funny memes. I have other websites for that, and although they can be a bit of a time sink as well they don’t drop my mood or trap me in some stupid little skinner box.

I don’t say this to admonish people who do enjoy Facebook. It can be great for keeping in touch with friends, reconnecting, and sharing your life with others. I know both my parents have used it to get in touch with old friends and distant family, and my dad posts pictures from his garden all the time. People use it to arrange hangouts and catalog their fun times with each other. It has its uses, but I wasn’t making use of them.I was using it in all the bad ways, and making bad habits. So I think it was good move to give it the axe.

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Yes, yes, I know, Random-Meme-I-Pulled-From-Google. I’m not saying I am done for good. I know eventually I will get sucked back in and reactivate my profile. But I think it will be later rather than sooner. You know why I think that?

Because I already did it. I got curious and I wanted to see what happened in my two-week long absence. So I signed back in while I was at lunch. I had a few missed notifications, but mostly it was just filled with the same inane bull that I hated and was trying to ignore in the first place. People posting drama statuses. People praising Hillary/Trump as the second coming of Jesus. George Takei posting a cat pic. All of the time-wasting goodness I used to eat up like it was my last meal.

Did I get sucked in? For about 5 minutes. Then it hit me: I really didn’t care. It isn’t worth my time or brain power. So, I disabled it again. Maybe this time it’ll be for two months. Maybe even two years. By that time, who even knows if Facebook will even be the big thing any more? It may totally be some twitter Snapchat amalgam that provides even less thought and more cats. (It’s the internet, it’s always more cats.)

Either way, I think I am going to steer clear of it, and actually enjoy going outside and living life playing video games and watching YouTube. You know, the important things in life.

 

Thank you for reading :),

Shaman

Posted 07/30/2016 by Shaman in Personal Thoughts

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How do you even write fiction?   2 comments

My friends and I have started a writing group. They all want to improve as writers, and I want to try and start writing fiction stories. I have a lot of cool ideas, and I think it would be better if they are out in the world instead of gathering dust in the back of my brain. Ideas have always been easy for me, the hard part is actually writing the story.

How does someone even write fiction? Do you just make stuff up?

I used to know how when I was younger. I could sit down and write pages of fiction without any effort. The characters, plot, and everything else about them sucked. But at least I could write it. Now I find myself staring at the keyboard, its QWERTYs, ASDFs, and WASDs burning my soul with their judging mocking gaze.

If you ask me to create a character for Dungeons and Dragons, or any other RPG? I’ll not only make a mechanically unique and effective character, but I will build him a detailed backstory with family records, milestones, mannerisms, etc. But I cant turn it into any sort of narrative story.

Ask me to write a blog post? I can put down 500 to 1000 words on a topic in an hour, 3 if I need to revise/make it sound good. It’s not hard for me to put my thoughts down, as I write the way I think and speak. But fiction means I have to put myself in someone else’s head, and I don’t know how to do that.

So when you tell me to sit down and write a fiction story? You might as well tell me to win the lottery or grow wings and fly.

I know a large part of it is a lack of experience. You don’t go into the gym and start benching 200 lbs if the last time you did 100 lbs was in high school. That is a good way to injure yourself. I can’t jump into a chihuahua crushing epic fantasy novel without tearing my corpus callosum either.

However, I have no idea where to even start. I have all of these ideas buzzing in my head: cool scenes straight out of a move, a Silmarillion’s worth of world building, and a somewhat unique magic system. I’m an avid reader of both too many books and too much TVTropes. What else would I need? Actual talent?

It’s like I have a fresh batch of ingredients and a full purpose kitchen, but I only know how to make a grilled cheese. I’m just the wordsmith equivalent of a line cook who has been asked to make whatever he thinks would impress the food critic. I hope he likes Kraft singles and white bread.

The point of this post was to state I may also start posting short stories here, in addition to rants both political and personal, and my poetry. Just like with Politalking, I am going to try and keep things labelled, so that those of you who check my blog out for the poetry alone can skip it if you want.

Time for me to drop down and give 20 paragraphs. Wish me luck!

 

-Shaman

Posted 07/25/2016 by Shaman in Personal Thoughts, Writing

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Orlando   Leave a comment

This is going to be a bit more of a raw and emotional rant on my part. I plan on discussing the 2nd amendment(as well as all the others) and gun control at a later date, but in light of the events of Orlando, and the fact that keeping this all in is making me feel physically ill, I need to speak more candidly about this.

First and foremost, this is a tragedy. This is a disgusting and horrible act, perpetrated by a disturbed monster. The families of the victims must be going through unimaginable pain, and my thoughts go to those still in the hospital. I wish them a full recovery. To those who have lost loved ones, I cannot fathom or understand what you have gone through, as I have not be through that pain. My heart goes out to you, and although it does little to ease the pain, I am sorry.

I’d call this a wake up call for America, but we have been hitting the snooze button for years now. We need to do something about this. We don’t have to all agree on what that is right now, but we can no longer sit here pretending that these shootings, these deaths are not a bit deal. Choosing to do nothing is still making a choice.

I am all about freedom. I don’t believe that people should give up their freedoms for safety. Giving away our rights should be a last resort, something we should rarely ever consider even in the worst of times. To do so is to let fear rule over our lives, and let those who wish to cause us that fear win. On the other hand, I am sitting across from a rack of magazines, staring at Guns and Ammo, and I have to fight the ugre to buy every single magazine and burn them when I get home. The thought of some bastard using his freedoms, our freedoms, to destroy so many lives for such senseless and stupid reasons fills me with rage. I had problems working, I had problems sleeping, and I don’t even have a dog in the fight. My closest connections are LGBT family members, and the fact that my company has an office in Orlando. (None of my coworkers were hurt in the attack, thankfully.)

I understand the anger. I understand the outrage. I understand that people want someone to blame, want some easy solution, some panacea to present itself and stop the pain.

Yes, the fact he got a gun so easily is what allowed him to do such harm. Yes, he did do this attack in the name of ISIS and because of jihadist extremism. Yes, he was also a self hating homophobe who picked his targets because of their orientation. No, it isn’t just one of those things and no, we can’t solve it easily or cleanly.

Life is not that simple. These issues are not that simple. Like with everything I have stated before, life is complicated, messy, and full of nuance. We cannot let anger and fear rule us. I refuse to let it rule me. If we want to be a free and just society, we need to rise above it all. We need to come together and make it work. That means compromise. That means swallowing your pride. That means getting down into the weeds and getting your hands dirty. We don’t do it by screaming, by throwing the blame endlessly, by ignoring the facts. I understand, and sympathize with that sentiment. But it will solve nothing on its own.

These are the times that try men’s souls. These are the times that define us as a country. History has its eyes on this moment, and we need to decide how we proceed.

Do we give in to our fear and take away rights from all citizens, due to the actions of the bad? Do we give in to our anger, destroy our humanity, define large swaths of people as the enemy, and commit atrocities too often repeated in history? Do we choose not to act, and let the situation devolve to the point that ideologues and demagogues make the choice for us, when we are past the point of compromise? Or do we find that compromise, fight and strive for a solution, and rise up as a country?

I don’t know what the answer is. I’m just a jerk on the internet with too much time and too many opinions.
I do know I am tired of all the death. I know I am tired of all the hate. I know that I don’t want to live in a world defined by those qualities.

I don’t feel like shuffling off this mortal coil just yet, so I will do my best to change this world. No matter how little that is, at least I can say I tried.

Thank you for reading,

Shaman

Posted 06/14/2016 by Shaman in Personal Thoughts, Politalking

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5 Things I’ve Learned From A Year Of Blogging   Leave a comment

I posted my first post on this blog a year ago today.

I have been blogging for a whole year. That amazes me.

Maybe it’s just because I’ve got the attention span of a hamster on speed, but I feel like it has been a lot longer than that. Then again, I also feel that way about my last year in general; so much of it has changed.

In the spirit of that change, here are 5 things I learned about myself from a year of blogging:

1.) I’m more of a poet than I am a writer.

I started writing this blog with the intent of changing/enriching the world. I wanted to write about mental health issues, personality typology, psychology self-help, etc. I felt if I was going to start writing, it would need to have a purpose, an end goal.

However, as noble and nice as those goals were, they don’t necessarily get readers, nor did they really get me writing. Doing the daily prompts did help me get a flow going, but it wasn’t until NaPoWriMo that I actually started to take this blog seriously.

It reminded me how much I love poetry. I find it makes it easier for me to express my thoughts and emotions in the moment. Even if, half the time, I end up with a bunch of depressing poems. It worked for Sylvia Plath, right?

But I also find it really fun. Trying to find the right rhyme to end your verse, without forcing things or ruining the flow, is incredibly challenging. But when you get it done right, it is incredibly rewarding.

2.) I talk too much, and I need to write more.

I have a friend who reads my blog. She’s been reading it from the start, and she makes sure to read everything I do. She says that she really enjoys what I write.

I have no idea why though. Not because I don’t think it is good; I wouldn’t make posts I don’t think are ready to be read. But because she is the one who gets to have all my pure, unaltered idea vomit thrown at her on a regular basis whenever we hang out.

Whether its philosophy, atheism, politics or any of the other things I’m interested in, she has heard me go hours and hours of diatribes that would probably make most people lose their minds.

Now, I imagine if I took all the time I spent melting her brain with my rants, and instead took the time to write them down. I’d have three times as many posts by now.

If you were to also add all the times I’ve had a personal rant in my head that I never bothered to voice to anyone….

Well, I don’t think I would have time to do anything but write.

Regardless, I should probably start writing more things down. Which means…

3.) I always should have a pen and paper. (Or start recording myself like a loon.)

I have forgotten the amount of times I have had an amazing idea, the start of a good poem, or a nice melody, and lost it forever because I couldn’t write it down in time.

Many creative people have as well, and it so it is mandatory that we all have a pen and paper on us at all times. I’m getting better with doing that, but it isn’t always feasible. So I’ve tried to expand to my note taking to other forms of technology.

I don’t really like typing notes into my phone, because it takes too long, and I have a crappy, unreliable phone. However, recording my self tends to work in a pinch, especially with how good voice to text has gotten.

With it, I can idea vomit onto a computer at record speed. It is probably the best way for me to get my ideas down.

So why don’t I do it more often?

Because I get most of my ideas on the train, bus, or walking around. People tend to be sitting/standing/walking by me, and so I look crazy. Plus, sometimes I like to write about more controversial topics, and I’d rather not have to fight the bible-thumping MRA republican Nazi Sith lord that may happen to sit next to me some day.

So, until I either lose enough shame to be fine with looking even crazier in public, I will just stick with the writer’s classic.

4.) I do my best writing on the spot, but I should still revise.

I tend to write best when I just throw my ideas down. Whenever I have been able to sit down and get into a groove, I write the stuff that I am most proud of. The things that I have found to be the weakest were things that I planned out, made outlines for and then wrote over days.

It’s a little counter intuitive, but working out what I want to write just stifles my natural creativity.

I know that doesn’t work for a lot of people. They need to create outlines, rough drafts, revisions galore, etc. before they have something they feel is good enough for people to see.

I tend to write how I speak, and I think I’m well spoken. So my writing reflects that.

That being said, you can always clean things up. You can polish up the writing to make it shine, cut out excess bits, change things around to flow better, and just make it a better piece in general. You are able to do the type of things that you aren’t be able to do in conversation. (Although it would be really awesome if we could.)

It’s something I don’t do nearly enough. So I just need to carve out time every week where I can sit down and write. Not too hard, right? Well…

5.) I need to do more to motivate myself.

Last, and most importantly, I need to motivate myself more. I can’t do any of the things I listed above if I can’t get myself motivated enough to actually do them.

Back when I started this blog, I had motivation. I was trying to find a purpose, a direction in life. I wanted to give myself a reason to get up in morning that wasn’t just paying bills. Other blogs and armchair psychologists told me blogging would do that, one thing led to another, and now the plague that is my blog was released on the internet.

But now I have a new, much better and more mentally stimulating job. My self-esteem is at healthy, levels, and am feeling more positive about life.

Because things are going so well, and with how busy work has been lately, I have been letting this blog fall to the wayside. It’s become easy to push a post off until tomorrow, then until next week, and off until next month.

Do I need to write? No.

But it is something that I enjoy. It is something concrete I can point to when I want to feel like I’ve accomplished something. I allows me to leave something behind when I go, even if it’s just in my own corner of the internet.

All those things should motivate me, and they do. But like I have stated before, misery is probably my best motivator, and will continue until it eventually kills me.

So hopefully this next coming year of blogging will be eventful, inspiring, and just miserable enough to keep things going.

As always, thanks for reading.

-Shaman

Posted 02/11/2015 by Shaman in Personal Thoughts, Writing

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