Archive for the ‘Just not that happy’ Tag

Feeling Down   Leave a comment

I’m kind of down today.

My friend is going on a trip for a couple of weeks. For a normal person, it wouldn’t be a big deal at all. But I have some fairly heavy issues with abandonment, and therefore there is a part of my brain that is currently freaking out and curling up in a ball to cry. I know all of the tips and tricks to calm it. The opposite emotion reaction, the mindfulness, etc., and it does help. It’s probably the reason I’m not actually freaking out in a ball and crying.

But my brain, being the wonderful and magical machine it is, loves to find new and creative ways to bring my issues to the fore of my mind. I know (well, I can safely assume at least) she’s not literally going to leave and never return. I know once she leaves, my friends won’t literally cut me out of their life. I know that none of these nasty worst case type things will happen to me, because it’s not how rational adults handle things. Despite my friends being bundles of issues like me, I know they wouldn’t do that.

But then my brain brought a new thought up:

“What about abandoning you symbolically?”

What that means, is that although she may be leaving on a trip, and may not in fact drop her entire life and run, she is using this as a trip to soul search and figure out her life. When she’s done doing that, I’m afraid she’s going to find I’m not one of the good things there. Then, she’ll come back, smile, be nice, but slowly build back the distance that I’ve worked so hard to remove. Then all my friends, many of which are her family, will just slowly distance themselves from me too. Then my brain will be right, that nobody ever really loved me, I should be alone forever, blah blah blah…

Look, I know it’s not the reality. I know that is all my crazy, my demons coming to the fore again. I’m working on it, and doing ok. But I am going to miss my friend. We were getting close, and even debating starting a relationship. (Yes, I know, internet relationship gurus, friend zone and plenty of fish and all that, but this is more complex. Or, you know I’m being strung around. Either way, she’s got enough problems too that I’m going to at least let this ride to the end.) I have a feeling that might change, but I need to keep telling myself that it may change for the better too.

If you say it enough times, it should come true, right?

Posted 03/21/2014 by Shaman in Personal Thoughts

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Issues   Leave a comment

Everyone has got issues.

Some are small, like being a couple of pounds overweight, or being allergic to penicillin(not that small at times, but doesn’t come up at often.) Some are big, like being a war victim or a quadriplegic.
Regardless of what they are, how we deal with them defines us. It shows the world how we handle the cards we are dealt. That is how we get those world defining, brave, super awesome ra-ra success stories. It’s also how we get the super sad, depressing, bottom of the barrel stories. A lot of the time, we end up getting both in some nice combo meal of successful failure or faulty success.

But, more likely, our personal fight doesn’t define the world, or get on the new, or really anything like that. They stay personal. As they should. They define us, and even if they become bigger and more open, if they didn’t help us grow personally then we never really dealt with them, now did we?

With that in mind, I’d like to talk about my issues, and my somewhat feeble, but still important, steps towards defeating them.

I suffer from an enjoyable combination of unyielding optimism and existential angst, with strong introversion and a need for people that borders on narcissistic, with a high intelligence and enough undeserved issues to drown a freudian elephant. I could easily qualify for clinical anxiety, depression, or any host of other diagnoses. I most closely fit the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder, and at my darkest times have met the diagnostic criteria.

I definitely could benefit from large amounts of therapy. Probably drugs also, but if its pure personality kind of thing, they wont do very much. However, my lack of a car and free time means I am trying to go it alone using Wikipedia(also known as best the resource besides google) and willpower.

Not surprisingly, it isn’t very effective.

But, unbeknownst to the rest of me, the unyielding optimism teamed up with the intelligent narcissist (we’ll deal with him later, but he gets results) to make all the little blocks of work I’ve bringing into something resembling a house now.

I’ve gone from OMFG-bat-head-eating-wall-punching-fear-inducing insanity to OMG-brocolli-head-eating-bag-punching-beer-imbibing craziness.

That’s progress, right?

TL/DR: I’m crazy, I’m human, I’m working on it.

Posted 02/14/2014 by Shaman in Personal Thoughts

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