Feeling Down   Leave a comment

I’m kind of down today.

My friend is going on a trip for a couple of weeks. For a normal person, it wouldn’t be a big deal at all. But I have some fairly heavy issues with abandonment, and therefore there is a part of my brain that is currently freaking out and curling up in a ball to cry. I know all of the tips and tricks to calm it. The opposite emotion reaction, the mindfulness, etc., and it does help. It’s probably the reason I’m not actually freaking out in a ball and crying.

But my brain, being the wonderful and magical machine it is, loves to find new and creative ways to bring my issues to the fore of my mind. I know (well, I can safely assume at least) she’s not literally going to leave and never return. I know once she leaves, my friends won’t literally cut me out of their life. I know that none of these nasty worst case type things will happen to me, because it’s not how rational adults handle things. Despite my friends being bundles of issues like me, I know they wouldn’t do that.

But then my brain brought a new thought up:

“What about abandoning you symbolically?”

What that means, is that although she may be leaving on a trip, and may not in fact drop her entire life and run, she is using this as a trip to soul search and figure out her life. When she’s done doing that, I’m afraid she’s going to find I’m not one of the good things there. Then, she’ll come back, smile, be nice, but slowly build back the distance that I’ve worked so hard to remove. Then all my friends, many of which are her family, will just slowly distance themselves from me too. Then my brain will be right, that nobody ever really loved me, I should be alone forever, blah blah blah…

Look, I know it’s not the reality. I know that is all my crazy, my demons coming to the fore again. I’m working on it, and doing ok. But I am going to miss my friend. We were getting close, and even debating starting a relationship. (Yes, I know, internet relationship gurus, friend zone and plenty of fish and all that, but this is more complex. Or, you know I’m being strung around. Either way, she’s got enough problems too that I’m going to at least let this ride to the end.) I have a feeling that might change, but I need to keep telling myself that it may change for the better too.

If you say it enough times, it should come true, right?

Posted 03/21/2014 by Shay in Personal Thoughts

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